I patted a wiggling black dog on the weekend and came away with this piece on passive aggressive communication. It completes a triumvirate with Barnacles and Boundaries, and Being and Assertiveness.

Picture this. I’m walking and talking with a friend on a trail through the forest. We meet a group of three or four people and a young dog. Me being me I bait the dog with eye contact and head movement. Being a young dog it wiggles and squirms over to me. I pat it for a few seconds, say something vacuous about genetic programming, and carry on.

All well and good except my companion asks, “Was that aimed at us?” She’d heard one of the other party saying something about social distancing, and seen the speaker’s sour facial expression. We were left wondering whether I’d crossed over a boundary. If I did cross a line I didn’t know what line, and the aggrieved one was left with a festering, unheard resentment.

Passive aggressive communication uses words, actions, or inaction, to indirectly express negative feelings rather than plainly naming the feeling or need. In some cases it is characterized by words and actions that don’t match. I may do what I’m asked while making sarcastic comments about the nature of the task; or agree to a plan and then show up late without having completed my part of the preparation; or I go along while being the brooding sourpuss off to the side. People who habitually behave in passive aggressive fashion often have a bitter attitude and complain of being unappreciated in an unfair world.

A passive aggressive style will have been learned, and as with an assertive style it will reflect and reinforce an attitude and beliefs about one’s self and the world.
We learn communication styles in our families of origin through the modelling of others in the family, our own experience, and according to how safe we feel expressing our emotions. If emotional literacy isn’t coached in a child and expressed needs are not met, while drama and manipulation do get rewarded, communicating in a passive aggressive style becomes a habit.

We also refine our communication style as adults. Some workplaces are characterized by passive aggressive communication. Passive aggressive behaviour allows for some sense of resistance without the risk of putting oneself out there. It isn’t just vague and non-committal, which can be annoying enough, it causes discomfort for another person – while maintaining a buffer of deniability.

When dealing with passive aggressive behaviour it is important to stay on point. Avoid getting caught in the drama of the style, don’t try to change the other, or engage in an argument or debate. It is important to be clearly and respectfully assertive and stay focused on one point. That should be a single incident or action, not a generalization, attack, criticism, or description of a long historical pattern. Some good counsel can be found here: https://greatist.com/grow/respond-to-passive-aggressive-behavior#quick-recap

The front line work on passive aggressive behaviour is work on ourselves. Here is a great list from Healthline

• Be aware of your behaviour
• Consider what unexpressed emotion cold be at play
• Think before you speak or act
• Calm yourself before engaging; practice self-regulation
• Stay optimistic
• Be honest, be assertive

(https://www.healthline.com/health/passive-aggressive-personality-disorder#treatment)

The viral part of passive aggressive behaviour is that it can provoke more of the same in return. Exactly as it is confusing and unclear, it is annoying. Reactions out of confusion and annoyance are not my best self. Self calming, reflection, self awareness, and respect are like hand washing to passive aggressivity.

We humans are driven to connect; with dogs and with people. I don’t know whether or not I upset someone by patting their dog, or lingering for a moment on the trail. If so it would helpful to me to know a line was there, and that needed to be clearly communicated. “Excuse me, when you pat my dog I worry about.......... Please..........”. That would have been a point of contact without contamination.

Here is the challenge: If you know something about dogs as vectors for Corona viruses you have a choice. You can mutter about it to yourself and grumble away, cursing and condemning people, or you can pass on the info in a respectfully stated comment.

​Thanks.

Being assertive is an attitude. It is equal parts humble and certain of ourselves. Remember that assertiveness is the act of maintaining our boundaries. When we are assertive we say “I am here”: Being humble we do so knowing and respecting that “you are here too”. Then life complicates it.

Different people struggle in different ways being assertive. One commonly occurring node in the web of life’s challenges is an attitude of expectation. If I expect to get what I ask for it is easy to forget about or disrespect the other’s integrity. Expectation and entitlement go to insistence and aggression. In a passing relationship that is rude; in an ongoing relationship it is abusive.

Elsewhere, if I expect I won’t get what I want I might not bother asking for it. Then I’m not even defining myself by saying “I like that.” In a relationship this is passive. People have this style for lots of valid reasons but it comes with a cost. Being passive I am never fully known. It can be a vaguely lonely life.... Or maybe after long stifling myself a switch goes and now I’m angrily demanding – or I seem to be to others. Whatever sense I make of any of that is likely to reinforce my beliefs and expectations.

In relationships we also receive others’ communications, and those could be passive, assertive, or aggressive. (I’m leaving Passive-Aggressive for another day.) Each can be thought of as a boundary negotiation. My core expectations of life and the world shape my responses to others. What is my expectation of saying “yes”, or “no”, or “can you explain?” If I expect to be disregarded or overpowered I may yield automatically – unless I attack preemptively. What if I fear abandonment? Or believe one person’s gain is always my loss? Or that life owes me something? Or I expect to be called a burden, whiner, or princess?

Beliefs and expectations shape interactions and communication. In turn they reinforce the attitude I have toward myself. In one of infinite possible combinations imagine always expecting not to be fully seen or accepted, while your other is vaguely passive for a similar reason. We could easily get hooked into always reaching for the other without really connecting. At the same time they never really meet us because we are so busy trying to be defined through them. And it can be happening without any clear awareness.

Assertiveness is usually said to be a communication style, and I agree. What it reflects though is an attitude that rests in core beliefs – worth, safety, entitlement, sufficiency. As will be the case in life, our ways of being, our attitudes, and our beliefs reinforce each other. Carrying an assertive attitude is associated with mental and emotional wellness across an impressive range of markers. Shifting to it can be initiated in our thoughts, our actions, our physical selves, or our remembered or imagined selves. As Pema Chodron’s book title says: Start Where you Are. In my experience shifts start to take hold when new ways of being are known in our head, our heart, and our body.
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You can read more on assertiveness as a communication style here: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644 It includes a list of the wellness markers associated with an assertive communication style.

Some folks live like barnacles – safely enclosed in a protective casing. It is very safe and when it gets lonely they open up a little, wave their legs about gathering what nourishment they can before withdrawing. Safe, but it does limit connection in life.

The barnacle is one model for personal boundaries. Boundaries are central to our sense of ourselves and our relationships with others. They mark where one ends and the other begins, and how much is shared between them. Healthy boundaries are not rigid, we adjust them to suit ourselves as circumstances require.

In every facet of life you should have a boundary: financial, spiritual, sexual, physical, emotional, or psychological. Unless we are unaware of our boundaries, or neglect them, we choose how how much of what we share with others. In respectful relationships this is accepted and returned, and it is OK to pull back at times. I like the image of a jellyfish pulsing open and closed. At one moment it is open to the environment, the next it closes down. It moves through the sea gently opening and closing.

Our boundary reflexes develop early in life. If a person’s boundaries are not respected when they are young they learn that they do not have a right to say ‘no’, or to ask for what they want, or hold an opinion of their own. They confuse others’ emotions with their own. This can be described as co-dependence. I picture the pour vulnerable crab in the period after it sheds its shell and before a new one has grown. It can hide or get eaten.

But then some people protect themselves barnacle-like. Their rigid boundaries are like walls that keep out too much of life for it to be satisfying. Self awareness is stifled and interpersonal connection is limited since a barnacle can only be known on the outside. Still, the tide may turn. Personally, people grow to know themselves better as their range of emotional tolerance expands. In a relationship the interpersonal boundary can become an intimate place where two are joined.

Anger, guilt, resentment, trouble saying ‘no’, feeling smothered by others, and big reactions to criticism can all be signs of trouble with boundaries. If you are interested here is a link you can follow: https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some/

‘Assertive’ describes the behaviours of people with good boundaries. Practising assertiveness helps develop self-esteem. You can begin acting assertively before you feel it – just know that it is different than being pushy or demanding. I’ll write more on assertiveness at another time. I’m setting a boundary.

I'm not going to tell you chaos in your life is a good thing. Or maybe I am. My post splits here, it goes in slightly different directions and ends up in very different places.
You see there is chaos and there is chaos.

One chaos is the common definition. We equate it with disorder and distress, a lack of focus, unpredictability, confusion, turmoil, and disruption. This is a place where we sometimes say people are "stuck".

The second use of chaos is within the mathematics of complex dynamic systems - including your brain with its 10 billion self organizing neurons. Within this understanding seemingly wild and unpredictable patterns are actually controlled by basic parameters around which the pattern is organized. You may recognize that many lives we think of as chaotic actually have recurring themes, actions, and outcomes. There is a pattern. Some would say that is the problem.

Chaos in a dynamic system is just one possible state. One characteristic of this chaotic state is "sensitive dependence on initial conditions". From that state a slight intervention can cause a big change in outcome. This idea is behind the notion that the flap of a butterfly's wings in the South Pacific can cause a storm in Tofino.

Counsellors and therapists know those moments when a question or challenge registers with a person, it goes home, is taken to heart, stops someone in their tracks, and important change begins. That is the chaos you want in your life.
This is a very abstract way of describing therapeutic intervention and effect. Catching the moments when intervention is leveraged in this way is intuitive. That intuition rests in the belly, the temples, the neck and shoulders, even the muscles of the jaw. Mine and yours. It is supported in experience. It is what happens when we are accepted as we are, and our protective patterns relax. That is the chaos from which new order emerges.
This is a different outcome than repeating a stuck pattern.