Grief and Loss
Grief is the normal response to the loss of something of importance to us. It can be a mix of overwhelming and sometimes contradictory feelings. We correctly associate grief with the loss of a loved one to death, and it also fits many other losses. The loss of our jobs, relationships, identities, capacities, our pets, youth, or opportunities can all trigger grief. We may even begin to grieve in anticipation of a loss we see coming (“anticipatory grief”).
Grief can be subtle or overwhelming. Fatigue, anger, trouble with concentration, focus, memory, or motivation, deep sadness, or an urge to curl up into a ball and let the world go by, are some of the experiences that can come with grief. There are ways through grief but they aren’t reflexive for many of us.
Children are often distracted from their losses or ignored if they show no distress, maybe assuming (or lovingly hoping) that all is well. Adults carry unhelpful notions that they should be able to “buck-up” and carry on, that getting-on-with-things is a prescription for grief, that time heals and there is a timeline for grief, that we should distract ourselves as time passes, or replace the loss.
Resolving grief does take time, but that isn’t all. A loss may or may not be replaceable, but the grief can be resolved. Accepting the loss, or memorializing it and holding in memory the part of your life that you so miss, is not the same as forgetting. With support, an understanding of your emotions, comfort with them, and care for yourself the ground is laid for healing and the recovery of a satisfying life.
It is important to remember that “normal” grief has many different faces. It often includes many emotions that may seem contradictory. At the same time I am excited about a move and a new job I might have great sadness for the loss of my place in the tight community and good friends I left behind. The sadness does not mean I’m not excited, nor is the excitement disloyal to my friends. When a loved one dies at the end of a long, exhausting terminal illness relief may well accompany profound sadness – both are valid, both are certainly real. Similarly the end of a relationship will often evoke many disparate feelings, and the loss may also have many angles to it.
Processing grief is different for different people. There is no set pattern it follows. Some of the variables at play are each person’s history of loss and past success or struggle recovering from the loss. Recovery may also be shaped by the messages about grief we have taken in, and the models of grieving we have grown up with. A person’s age and personality will shape the process of grief, as will the nature and circumstances of the loss.
The Stages of Grief need a special mention. They are widely known but also generally misunderstood. Seeing them spelled out sometimes helps normalize people’s experiences through grief, but they support the mistaken belief that grief has a set and universal course; that in time it “works itself out”. The stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance were identified by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross as she studied a small number of people processing the emotions associated with their own terminal illness.
None the less, given the wide range of normal emotional experiences of grief, many people do experience some or all of the emotional stages identified in the Stages of Grief. If you don’t, don’t think their is something wrong with you, or that you are doing it wrong. And please, don’t judge others if their pattern of grief doesn’t fit into the stages model!
The time is right to get supported in your grieving if you are dissatisfied with the time it is taking to return to your normal “activities of daily living” (shopping, cooking, cleaning, going to work), symptoms of depression are taking hold or persisting, you can’t stop blaming yourself, or are thinking about hurting yourself. Or if you think there may be learning or growth to be had despite the hurt and sadness of the loss you are grieving.
Grief can be subtle or overwhelming. Fatigue, anger, trouble with concentration, focus, memory, or motivation, deep sadness, or an urge to curl up into a ball and let the world go by, are some of the experiences that can come with grief. There are ways through grief but they aren’t reflexive for many of us.
Children are often distracted from their losses or ignored if they show no distress, maybe assuming (or lovingly hoping) that all is well. Adults carry unhelpful notions that they should be able to “buck-up” and carry on, that getting-on-with-things is a prescription for grief, that time heals and there is a timeline for grief, that we should distract ourselves as time passes, or replace the loss.
Resolving grief does take time, but that isn’t all. A loss may or may not be replaceable, but the grief can be resolved. Accepting the loss, or memorializing it and holding in memory the part of your life that you so miss, is not the same as forgetting. With support, an understanding of your emotions, comfort with them, and care for yourself the ground is laid for healing and the recovery of a satisfying life.
It is important to remember that “normal” grief has many different faces. It often includes many emotions that may seem contradictory. At the same time I am excited about a move and a new job I might have great sadness for the loss of my place in the tight community and good friends I left behind. The sadness does not mean I’m not excited, nor is the excitement disloyal to my friends. When a loved one dies at the end of a long, exhausting terminal illness relief may well accompany profound sadness – both are valid, both are certainly real. Similarly the end of a relationship will often evoke many disparate feelings, and the loss may also have many angles to it.
Processing grief is different for different people. There is no set pattern it follows. Some of the variables at play are each person’s history of loss and past success or struggle recovering from the loss. Recovery may also be shaped by the messages about grief we have taken in, and the models of grieving we have grown up with. A person’s age and personality will shape the process of grief, as will the nature and circumstances of the loss.
The Stages of Grief need a special mention. They are widely known but also generally misunderstood. Seeing them spelled out sometimes helps normalize people’s experiences through grief, but they support the mistaken belief that grief has a set and universal course; that in time it “works itself out”. The stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance were identified by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross as she studied a small number of people processing the emotions associated with their own terminal illness.
None the less, given the wide range of normal emotional experiences of grief, many people do experience some or all of the emotional stages identified in the Stages of Grief. If you don’t, don’t think their is something wrong with you, or that you are doing it wrong. And please, don’t judge others if their pattern of grief doesn’t fit into the stages model!
The time is right to get supported in your grieving if you are dissatisfied with the time it is taking to return to your normal “activities of daily living” (shopping, cooking, cleaning, going to work), symptoms of depression are taking hold or persisting, you can’t stop blaming yourself, or are thinking about hurting yourself. Or if you think there may be learning or growth to be had despite the hurt and sadness of the loss you are grieving.
