Recently I dropped in on a psycho-educational group on the night they were looking at personal boundaries. I was struck again that the concept is often poorly understood. Of course as social beings we learn such things implicitly in our family environments as we grow up, so I shouldn't be surprised we generally don’t have an explicit understanding. None the less, since our personal boundaries are the interface between us and our environment, it can be said that they define us as people. If that is the case, they might be worth explicit consideration.

Boundaries can be grouped as physical, emotional, property and, preferential. We have the right and responsibility to protect our physical and emotional selves, to control our stuff, and declare our preferences. It seems to me sexual boundaries are both physical and emotional. In turn gender and sexual orientation would encompass physical, emotional, and preferential boundaries. ‘Easy to see how being denied authentic sexual or gender expression would be a monstrous boundary violation.

Boundaries arise as psycho-educational topics since violations of our boundaries tend to impact us in ways that impair our fully experiencing life. If the topic is anger management, self esteem, communication, relationships, addiction, or assertiveness, boundaries will come up. Typically we say that if you have no boundaries, you will be walked over; if you put up a wall instead of a boundary, you suffer disconnection. As it was for Goldilocks, the art of life is finding the middle ground, not too hot, not too cold; not too big, not too small; not too close, not too far away. Often in groups we are speaking to folks who do too little to maintain their personally boundaries. Assertive statements are the tools of boundary maintenance. (You can look at my post on Radical Responsibility for an overview of assertive statements.)

When we ask for what we want, or tell someone what we don’t like, we are maintaining a boundary. If I ask you to sit closer, or position myself so a desk separates us, I've maintained my boundary. If I tell you that I felt happy when I got your phone call, or that I don’t like your calls when I’m at work, I’m maintaining a boundary. Boundaries don’t just define where I end and you begin as a property line would; they also establish who and how I am in the world at any given time. Boundaries establish who and what I am open to, or connected with, moment by moment.

I've used the phrase ‘maintaining a boundary’ intentionally. Teaching the topic of boundaries to folks who typically get walked over, it is easy to talk of establishing boundaries. I like to highlight the fluid nature of boundaries by using maintain. A boundary needs to be fluid because life is dynamic. I will be more or less open to you each time we meet according to how I feel that day, and how I remember our last interaction. I think that makes boundaries more work, needing to be aware of my history, needs, and resources all the time. However, it is how I can have both safety and connection.

In practice we often simplify our boundary maintenance by setting rules. I only lend out tools worth less than $50; I don’t borrow money from friends; I only give gifts to family... But at other times, drifting with life’s flow, rather than steering my course can leave me feeling resentment, anger, violation, or alternately, grieving a lost opportunity to connect, or acknowledge connection. Living fully means attending to our boundaries as works in progress. I remember a woman of seventy who had deferred to her mother for her whole life. She developed the habit at a young age and it had long ago ceased to serve her. After seven decades she defined herself in her relationship with her mother! I say “Long live dynamic boundaries!”

On the other hand, sometimes experience teaches us that our boundary with another can not be safely negotiated. That is when we establish a bottom line. People learn this when they share their lives with someone who lives with an active addiction. They say things like, “I just can’t give him money.” We teach our children a rigid version of boundaries first, when they don’t have reasoning or assessment skills – e.g. “these parts of your body are private....” And as adults we rightly have bottom lines – those are still private parts of our bodies; some diet choices are not negotiable; you better not step on my blue suede shoes....

Again the art of life is in maintaining a balance. The back and forth of living is a dynamic process. Our experience of it will be shaped in part by the way we shape our boundaries.

One central responsibility we carry as humans is to speak up for ourselves. There are a few basic templates for an assertive statement. They are commonly used in communication workshops, assertiveness training, anger management classes, and self esteem workshops. They all convey a similar message, and are good starting points. Then there is Radical Responsibility.

My version of the basic assertive statement is: “When you (name the behaviour you would liked changed), I feel (name your experience). I would like you to (name the desired behaviour), then I would (name the helpful outcome). For example: “When you say these pants make me look ridiculous, I feel embarrassed and insulted. I would like you to ask if I want negative feedback before sharing it, and then be kind if I do agree to hear you. If you put it kindly, I’ll want to go out with you, not just hide under a rock.” If you don’t like my example, don’t get stuck on it. The point is we need to speak up for ourselves.

Speaking up for ourselves is our responsibility. Assertive statements are taught in so many forums because, a) many of us don’t have the habit, and b) there are benefits ranging from heart health to relationship longevity to increased civility in communications and an associated reduction in charges of uttering threats. When we speak for ourselves we own our emotional and behavioral realms. Further, since I can and should ask you to get off my toe, the health of my toe is actually in my control! Further still, if in a relationship I take care of me, and you take care of you, then the energy we might spend mindreading the other can be put into tending the relationship. But this isn’t about relationships....

There are a few common pitfalls in asking for what we want, naming what we need. One of my favorites is expecting that we will get it just because we’ve asked for it. That isn’t the case. If you always expect to get what you want, you will inevitably be frustrated and disappointed. Insisting on having what we want drifts into aggressive territory.

It can also be hard to objectively name a behaviour that is irritating you. In the example above it might feel more natural to say, “When you decide to be the smart mouth fashion police....” But if you name something specific that I did, then we won’t go onto a tangent about whether I think I’m the police or you do. Similarly we can disguise thoughts as feelings. I love pointing out that, “I feel you are an asshole” doesn’t actually name an emotion. And it doesn’t make a statement about me. About-me is my domain and my responsibility.

By now you should be seeing that personal responsibility is a theme here. In my life and work I find that once we accept that we are responsible for our thoughts and feelings, there is an increased sense of control of our lives. Responsible actions follow responsible thoughts and feelings. So what of radical responsibility?

Recently I was introduced to another variation of the assertive statement above. This one leaves the other person right out of the equation and asks for nothing, that’s why I call it radical responsibility. Since this format doesn't ask for anything, it serves me as a learning tool; it provides me with information about myself.

To use the template you need to have your wits about you enough that you recognize you are bumping up against an unmet need - generally I would be getting angry or annoyed. (Hopefully I haven’t already embarrassed myself.) In that moment of annoyance, I fill in these blanks: “I need ___________, because I ____________”. e.g. I need to get out of here because I really don’t like accordions.” “I need not to be yelled at because it hurts.” “I need others to drive better because I ......... hmm, don’t want to have to change my driving to make room for them?”

My anger is about my musical preferences; my human need to be emotionally safe; my.... hmm, being judgmental and self centered as a driver. It is not about the musical merit of accordions, or a change I need someone else to make. Try it on. Let me know how it goes. It can be a powerful tool for focusing on ones own part in any situation. And as responsibility rises, so does that sense of control in life.

Radical responsibility isn't intended to atomize life or isolate people; it is a way of looking at ourselves within the dynamic interactions that make up life. Our responsibility to ask for what we want remains; we still need to maintain our personal boundaries. And awkward as that stock statement above may seem, using it can be a good way of developing the habit of speaking up for ourselves.