Some folks live like barnacles – safely enclosed in a protective casing. It is very safe and when it gets lonely they open up a little, wave their legs about gathering what nourishment they can before withdrawing. Safe, but it does limit connection in life.

The barnacle is one model for personal boundaries. Boundaries are central to our sense of ourselves and our relationships with others. They mark where one ends and the other begins, and how much is shared between them. Healthy boundaries are not rigid, we adjust them to suit ourselves as circumstances require.

In every facet of life you should have a boundary: financial, spiritual, sexual, physical, emotional, or psychological. Unless we are unaware of our boundaries, or neglect them, we choose how how much of what we share with others. In respectful relationships this is accepted and returned, and it is OK to pull back at times. I like the image of a jellyfish pulsing open and closed. At one moment it is open to the environment, the next it closes down. It moves through the sea gently opening and closing.

Our boundary reflexes develop early in life. If a person’s boundaries are not respected when they are young they learn that they do not have a right to say ‘no’, or to ask for what they want, or hold an opinion of their own. They confuse others’ emotions with their own. This can be described as co-dependence. I picture the pour vulnerable crab in the period after it sheds its shell and before a new one has grown. It can hide or get eaten.

But then some people protect themselves barnacle-like. Their rigid boundaries are like walls that keep out too much of life for it to be satisfying. Self awareness is stifled and interpersonal connection is limited since a barnacle can only be known on the outside. Still, the tide may turn. Personally, people grow to know themselves better as their range of emotional tolerance expands. In a relationship the interpersonal boundary can become an intimate place where two are joined.

Anger, guilt, resentment, trouble saying ‘no’, feeling smothered by others, and big reactions to criticism can all be signs of trouble with boundaries. If you are interested here is a link you can follow: https://psychcentral.com/lib/what-are-personal-boundaries-how-do-i-get-some/

‘Assertive’ describes the behaviours of people with good boundaries. Practising assertiveness helps develop self-esteem. You can begin acting assertively before you feel it – just know that it is different than being pushy or demanding. I’ll write more on assertiveness at another time. I’m setting a boundary.

I'm not going to tell you chaos in your life is a good thing. Or maybe I am. My post splits here, it goes in slightly different directions and ends up in very different places.
You see there is chaos and there is chaos.

One chaos is the common definition. We equate it with disorder and distress, a lack of focus, unpredictability, confusion, turmoil, and disruption. This is a place where we sometimes say people are "stuck".

The second use of chaos is within the mathematics of complex dynamic systems - including your brain with its 10 billion self organizing neurons. Within this understanding seemingly wild and unpredictable patterns are actually controlled by basic parameters around which the pattern is organized. You may recognize that many lives we think of as chaotic actually have recurring themes, actions, and outcomes. There is a pattern. Some would say that is the problem.

Chaos in a dynamic system is just one possible state. One characteristic of this chaotic state is "sensitive dependence on initial conditions". From that state a slight intervention can cause a big change in outcome. This idea is behind the notion that the flap of a butterfly's wings in the South Pacific can cause a storm in Tofino.

Counsellors and therapists know those moments when a question or challenge registers with a person, it goes home, is taken to heart, stops someone in their tracks, and important change begins. That is the chaos you want in your life.
This is a very abstract way of describing therapeutic intervention and effect. Catching the moments when intervention is leveraged in this way is intuitive. That intuition rests in the belly, the temples, the neck and shoulders, even the muscles of the jaw. Mine and yours. It is supported in experience. It is what happens when we are accepted as we are, and our protective patterns relax. That is the chaos from which new order emerges.
This is a different outcome than repeating a stuck pattern.