I patted a wiggling black dog on the weekend and came away with this piece on passive aggressive communication. It completes a triumvirate with Barnacles and Boundaries, and Being and Assertiveness.

Picture this. I’m walking and talking with a friend on a trail through the forest. We meet a group of three or four people and a young dog. Me being me I bait the dog with eye contact and head movement. Being a young dog it wiggles and squirms over to me. I pat it for a few seconds, say something vacuous about genetic programming, and carry on.

All well and good except my companion asks, “Was that aimed at us?” She’d heard one of the other party saying something about social distancing, and seen the speaker’s sour facial expression. We were left wondering whether I’d crossed over a boundary. If I did cross a line I didn’t know what line, and the aggrieved one was left with a festering, unheard resentment.

Passive aggressive communication uses words, actions, or inaction, to indirectly express negative feelings rather than plainly naming the feeling or need. In some cases it is characterized by words and actions that don’t match. I may do what I’m asked while making sarcastic comments about the nature of the task; or agree to a plan and then show up late without having completed my part of the preparation; or I go along while being the brooding sourpuss off to the side. People who habitually behave in passive aggressive fashion often have a bitter attitude and complain of being unappreciated in an unfair world.

A passive aggressive style will have been learned, and as with an assertive style it will reflect and reinforce an attitude and beliefs about one’s self and the world.
We learn communication styles in our families of origin through the modelling of others in the family, our own experience, and according to how safe we feel expressing our emotions. If emotional literacy isn’t coached in a child and expressed needs are not met, while drama and manipulation do get rewarded, communicating in a passive aggressive style becomes a habit.

We also refine our communication style as adults. Some workplaces are characterized by passive aggressive communication. Passive aggressive behaviour allows for some sense of resistance without the risk of putting oneself out there. It isn’t just vague and non-committal, which can be annoying enough, it causes discomfort for another person – while maintaining a buffer of deniability.

When dealing with passive aggressive behaviour it is important to stay on point. Avoid getting caught in the drama of the style, don’t try to change the other, or engage in an argument or debate. It is important to be clearly and respectfully assertive and stay focused on one point. That should be a single incident or action, not a generalization, attack, criticism, or description of a long historical pattern. Some good counsel can be found here: https://greatist.com/grow/respond-to-passive-aggressive-behavior#quick-recap

The front line work on passive aggressive behaviour is work on ourselves. Here is a great list from Healthline

• Be aware of your behaviour
• Consider what unexpressed emotion cold be at play
• Think before you speak or act
• Calm yourself before engaging; practice self-regulation
• Stay optimistic
• Be honest, be assertive

(https://www.healthline.com/health/passive-aggressive-personality-disorder#treatment)

The viral part of passive aggressive behaviour is that it can provoke more of the same in return. Exactly as it is confusing and unclear, it is annoying. Reactions out of confusion and annoyance are not my best self. Self calming, reflection, self awareness, and respect are like hand washing to passive aggressivity.

We humans are driven to connect; with dogs and with people. I don’t know whether or not I upset someone by patting their dog, or lingering for a moment on the trail. If so it would helpful to me to know a line was there, and that needed to be clearly communicated. “Excuse me, when you pat my dog I worry about.......... Please..........”. That would have been a point of contact without contamination.

Here is the challenge: If you know something about dogs as vectors for Corona viruses you have a choice. You can mutter about it to yourself and grumble away, cursing and condemning people, or you can pass on the info in a respectfully stated comment.

​Thanks.

Being assertive is an attitude. It is equal parts humble and certain of ourselves. Remember that assertiveness is the act of maintaining our boundaries. When we are assertive we say “I am here”: Being humble we do so knowing and respecting that “you are here too”. Then life complicates it.

Different people struggle in different ways being assertive. One commonly occurring node in the web of life’s challenges is an attitude of expectation. If I expect to get what I ask for it is easy to forget about or disrespect the other’s integrity. Expectation and entitlement go to insistence and aggression. In a passing relationship that is rude; in an ongoing relationship it is abusive.

Elsewhere, if I expect I won’t get what I want I might not bother asking for it. Then I’m not even defining myself by saying “I like that.” In a relationship this is passive. People have this style for lots of valid reasons but it comes with a cost. Being passive I am never fully known. It can be a vaguely lonely life.... Or maybe after long stifling myself a switch goes and now I’m angrily demanding – or I seem to be to others. Whatever sense I make of any of that is likely to reinforce my beliefs and expectations.

In relationships we also receive others’ communications, and those could be passive, assertive, or aggressive. (I’m leaving Passive-Aggressive for another day.) Each can be thought of as a boundary negotiation. My core expectations of life and the world shape my responses to others. What is my expectation of saying “yes”, or “no”, or “can you explain?” If I expect to be disregarded or overpowered I may yield automatically – unless I attack preemptively. What if I fear abandonment? Or believe one person’s gain is always my loss? Or that life owes me something? Or I expect to be called a burden, whiner, or princess?

Beliefs and expectations shape interactions and communication. In turn they reinforce the attitude I have toward myself. In one of infinite possible combinations imagine always expecting not to be fully seen or accepted, while your other is vaguely passive for a similar reason. We could easily get hooked into always reaching for the other without really connecting. At the same time they never really meet us because we are so busy trying to be defined through them. And it can be happening without any clear awareness.

Assertiveness is usually said to be a communication style, and I agree. What it reflects though is an attitude that rests in core beliefs – worth, safety, entitlement, sufficiency. As will be the case in life, our ways of being, our attitudes, and our beliefs reinforce each other. Carrying an assertive attitude is associated with mental and emotional wellness across an impressive range of markers. Shifting to it can be initiated in our thoughts, our actions, our physical selves, or our remembered or imagined selves. As Pema Chodron’s book title says: Start Where you Are. In my experience shifts start to take hold when new ways of being are known in our head, our heart, and our body.
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You can read more on assertiveness as a communication style here: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644 It includes a list of the wellness markers associated with an assertive communication style.