Being assertive is an attitude. It is equal parts humble and certain of ourselves. Remember that assertiveness is the act of maintaining our boundaries. When we are assertive we say “I am here”: Being humble we do so knowing and respecting that “you are here too”. Then life complicates it.
Different people struggle in different ways being assertive. One commonly occurring node in the web of life’s challenges is an attitude of expectation. If I expect to get what I ask for it is easy to forget about or disrespect the other’s integrity. Expectation and entitlement go to insistence and aggression. In a passing relationship that is rude; in an ongoing relationship it is abusive.
Elsewhere, if I expect I won’t get what I want I might not bother asking for it. Then I’m not even defining myself by saying “I like that.” In a relationship this is passive. People have this style for lots of valid reasons but it comes with a cost. Being passive I am never fully known. It can be a vaguely lonely life.... Or maybe after long stifling myself a switch goes and now I’m angrily demanding – or I seem to be to others. Whatever sense I make of any of that is likely to reinforce my beliefs and expectations.
In relationships we also receive others’ communications, and those could be passive, assertive, or aggressive. (I’m leaving Passive-Aggressive for another day.) Each can be thought of as a boundary negotiation. My core expectations of life and the world shape my responses to others. What is my expectation of saying “yes”, or “no”, or “can you explain?” If I expect to be disregarded or overpowered I may yield automatically – unless I attack preemptively. What if I fear abandonment? Or believe one person’s gain is always my loss? Or that life owes me something? Or I expect to be called a burden, whiner, or princess?
Beliefs and expectations shape interactions and communication. In turn they reinforce the attitude I have toward myself. In one of infinite possible combinations imagine always expecting not to be fully seen or accepted, while your other is vaguely passive for a similar reason. We could easily get hooked into always reaching for the other without really connecting. At the same time they never really meet us because we are so busy trying to be defined through them. And it can be happening without any clear awareness.
Assertiveness is usually said to be a communication style, and I agree. What it reflects though is an attitude that rests in core beliefs – worth, safety, entitlement, sufficiency. As will be the case in life, our ways of being, our attitudes, and our beliefs reinforce each other. Carrying an assertive attitude is associated with mental and emotional wellness across an impressive range of markers. Shifting to it can be initiated in our thoughts, our actions, our physical selves, or our remembered or imagined selves. As Pema Chodron’s book title says: Start Where you Are. In my experience shifts start to take hold when new ways of being are known in our head, our heart, and our body.
You can read more on assertiveness as a communication style here: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644 It includes a list of the wellness markers associated with an assertive communication style.
Different people struggle in different ways being assertive. One commonly occurring node in the web of life’s challenges is an attitude of expectation. If I expect to get what I ask for it is easy to forget about or disrespect the other’s integrity. Expectation and entitlement go to insistence and aggression. In a passing relationship that is rude; in an ongoing relationship it is abusive.
Elsewhere, if I expect I won’t get what I want I might not bother asking for it. Then I’m not even defining myself by saying “I like that.” In a relationship this is passive. People have this style for lots of valid reasons but it comes with a cost. Being passive I am never fully known. It can be a vaguely lonely life.... Or maybe after long stifling myself a switch goes and now I’m angrily demanding – or I seem to be to others. Whatever sense I make of any of that is likely to reinforce my beliefs and expectations.
In relationships we also receive others’ communications, and those could be passive, assertive, or aggressive. (I’m leaving Passive-Aggressive for another day.) Each can be thought of as a boundary negotiation. My core expectations of life and the world shape my responses to others. What is my expectation of saying “yes”, or “no”, or “can you explain?” If I expect to be disregarded or overpowered I may yield automatically – unless I attack preemptively. What if I fear abandonment? Or believe one person’s gain is always my loss? Or that life owes me something? Or I expect to be called a burden, whiner, or princess?
Beliefs and expectations shape interactions and communication. In turn they reinforce the attitude I have toward myself. In one of infinite possible combinations imagine always expecting not to be fully seen or accepted, while your other is vaguely passive for a similar reason. We could easily get hooked into always reaching for the other without really connecting. At the same time they never really meet us because we are so busy trying to be defined through them. And it can be happening without any clear awareness.
Assertiveness is usually said to be a communication style, and I agree. What it reflects though is an attitude that rests in core beliefs – worth, safety, entitlement, sufficiency. As will be the case in life, our ways of being, our attitudes, and our beliefs reinforce each other. Carrying an assertive attitude is associated with mental and emotional wellness across an impressive range of markers. Shifting to it can be initiated in our thoughts, our actions, our physical selves, or our remembered or imagined selves. As Pema Chodron’s book title says: Start Where you Are. In my experience shifts start to take hold when new ways of being are known in our head, our heart, and our body.
You can read more on assertiveness as a communication style here: https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/stress-management/in-depth/assertive/art-20044644 It includes a list of the wellness markers associated with an assertive communication style.
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